Beyond Balance

Dr. C
Jan 2
5 min read

Updated: Jan 6

By Dr. C | RiseSurviveThrive™

What have I learned supporting nonprofit leaders who are exhausted from trying to get it right? Perhaps we've been asking ourselves the wrong question.

We keep asking "How do I balance it all?" but what if we asked instead: "Who am I being that makes this feel so impossible?"

For years, we've been chasing work-life balance—equal time here, equal time there. Fifty-fifty splits. Perfect boundaries. That magical equilibrium where work gets its share and family gets its share, and somehow we're supposed to feel whole.

This is what I know from walking alongside nonprofit leaders who are out here really doing the work: balance is a setup. And the constant chase? It's wearing us out.

Why Balance Doesn't Work for Us

Think about what balance actually means. It's a scale. Two opposing sides. Always in tension. When one goes up, the other comes down. You're at your child's recital? Work suffers. You're handling a funding crisis? Family loses.

This framework has us believing we're constantly choosing between the people and causes we love. Every decision feels like we're betraying somebody. Every moment fully present in one place means we're absent from another.

And for those of us leading in the nonprofit sector? This model doesn't even make sense.

Our work isn't just work—it's ministry, it's purpose, it's calling. The communities we serve aren't checking a clock. The elders who need us, the young people counting on us, and the families we're supporting don't pause because it's 5pm or because it's the weekend.

The needs don't stop. The work is never finished. And if we're being honest, we wouldn't have it any other way. This is who we are.

There's Another Way: Harmony

Stay with me here. Harmony is different.

Close-up of a drum cymbal under vibrant stage lighting, creating a colorful and dynamic atmosphere with bokeh effects in the background. Photo by israel palacio on Unsplash

I was recently at the Soapbox Gallery in Brooklyn watching a jazz ensemble. The bass wasn't competing with the saxophone. The piano didn't need equal time with the drums. Each musician knew when to step forward with a solo and when to lay back in the pocket. The magic happened when everyone was listening, responding, improvising together—creating something that couldn't exist if they were all playing at the same volume all the time.

That's harmony. Different parts, different moments, all working together to create something whole.

What Harmony Actually Looks Like

Harmony means understanding that some seasons require more from your leadership, and others need you to show up differently at home. When your daughter is facing a life decision and needs you, you're there. When your organization is going through a critical transition and you're the one who needs to hold it down, you're present for that too. Neither one makes you less committed to the other.

Harmony means your family knows your work because you've let them in. They understand the mission, they know the why behind what you do, they've met the people you serve. Your work isn't some separate thing you disappear into. It's woven into who you are as a family.

Harmony means releasing the guilt. Some weeks, your son needs hours of your attention working through what's happening in his world. Some weeks, your board needs you to think strategically about the organization's future. Both matter. Both are you living your life's intentions.

The Real Shift We Need: From Doing to Being

As an ontological coach, I work with leaders on something deeper than time management or productivity hacks. I work on the question: Who are you being when you show up to this?

Are you being someone who believes work and family are enemies fighting for your attention? Someone who's keeping score of hours and always coming up short? Someone carrying around guilt like it's part of the job description?

Or are you being someone who knows you can be fully committed to the mission and fully devoted to your family? Someone who sees these as different expressions of the same values? Someone who trusts yourself to know what needs you when?

This isn't just playing with words. When you shift from trying to balance to creating harmony, everything changes. What you pay attention to changes. What you feel guilty about changes. What you celebrate about yourself changes.

Questions Worth Sitting With

As you think about your own life, I want you to consider:

What becomes possible when you stop trying to make everything equal? Maybe you stop that mental spreadsheet that's always tracking hours and finding you lacking. Maybe you get more present wherever you actually are instead of split between what you're doing and what you're not doing.
What does harmony sound like in your life right now? Not in some fantasy future when everything calms down, but today. What would it mean to honor both your leadership and your family in a way that feels integrated instead of fractured?
Who are you being when you treat this as a problem to solve versus a reality to navigate with wisdom? Are you at war with your own life, or are you composing something meaningful with what you've been given?

Here's What I'm Not Saying

I'm not saying nonprofit leadership is easy on families. I'm not saying you shouldn't have boundaries. I'm not saying you should accept organizations that demand everything and give nothing back. Harmony doesn't mean you sacrifice yourself on the altar of the work.

What I am saying is that the balance framework has failed us. It creates false choices and keeps us feeling like we're never enough anywhere. It has us believing that fully loving our work means we can't fully love our families, and vice versa.

But what if we stopped measuring and started listening? What if we trusted ourselves to know when each part of our lives needs to come forward and when it can rest? What if we composed our lives like the complex, beautiful, purposeful things they are?

An Invitation to Wholeness

The music is already playing in your life. The question is whether you're conducting it with grace and self-compassion, or with constant criticism and impossible standards.

You don't have to choose between being an excellent leader and being fully present for your family. You have to choose to see them as part of the same song.

That's harmony. And it's available to you right now.

This article was inspired by Orlando, a nonprofit leader in the building stage of his organization, navigating the tension between growing his mission and staying present for his family. Thank you for the conversation that sparked this reflection.